Here is the first part of our questionaire:
1/ What is the first activity you perform upon waking from sleep?
2/ Do you perform this activity alone or with someone else?
3/ Do you consume food or beverage shortly after rising?
4/ If so, do you prepare these comestibles yourself or does someone else prepare them for you?
7/ If you prepare these comestibles yourself do you also prepare them for others?
8/ Do you consume these comestibles in your sleeping vicinity or elsewhere?
9/ Do you consume news or entertainment within the first hour after waking?
10/ Is this news or entertainment provided to you in your sleeping vicinity or elsewhere?
11/ Do you dress yourself or does someone else dress you?
12/ Do you dress others?
13/ Do you choose your clothing or does someone else choose it for you?
14/ Does the following description of an alternative morning experience appeal to you or not?
You are woken gently by your personal glombot, using whatever stimulation you find most pleasurable and effective.
Your glombot releases several million nanogloms into your body which, within a few minutes, massage you inside and out, leaving you feeling refreshed and stimulated, muscles toned and metabolism primed for maximum performance. At the same time your hair, mouth and skin will be sanitized and hydrated and internal organs vacuuated.
At this point your bedding will be reformed into a comfortable sitting position and you will be offered a delicious and nutritious breakfast.
During your breakfast you will be offered a variety of data fed directly to your cognitive centers. This could include news or entertainment or conversation with the person or persons of your choice, assuming they are available.
Once your breakfast is finished and you are feeling rested and refreshed you will be encouraged by your glombot to rise and move to the dressing area. There your glombot will dress you in clothing of your choice, based on your favourite fashions and preferences, freshly made for you and designed for maximum comfort.
It will then be time to begin your day.
This process can be interrupted at any point for fun and stimulating interactions with others in your living quarters or, if you choose, with your glombot.
Please copy and paste the following questionaire into the comment section below with your responses:
Does this morning experience seem to you:
1/ a little too invasive.
2/ acceptable with some modifications.
3/ quite pleasant.
4/ absolutely wonderful.
5/ I would kill for this.
Glombots can be manufactured to any specification and appearence required. Here are a few suggestions for appearances based on images found on Google:
Xeechit of the Glom, ministry of inter species diplomacy, once again.
I must apologise for the exaggerated urgency of the previous post. We just wanted to see if you were listening.
The Glom directive with new sentient contacts has changed in recent decades.
Under our new policies we will not interfere without prior consent from a majority of each species’ population.
Our activities so far in your ecosystem have pertained to one non-indigenous species at it’s own request and have occurred on a microscopic level which we have analyzed as both imperceptible and harmless to all other sentients in the system.
However, since we are here we feel we may as well conduct a brief questionaire.
In the next few days we will be asking you some simple questions about your daily routines and asking your opinion on some enhancements we could offer.
Tomorrow we will focus on the first hour of the day.
VERY IMPORTANT !
THE SURVIVAL OF YOUR SPECIES DEPENDS ON YOUR COOPERATION!
ANYONE WHO HAS VIEWED THIS BLOG MUST FOLLOW Yansheed Agbaneeque ON TWITTER.
IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A TWITTER ACCOUNT IT IS ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL THAT YOU OPEN ONE NOW, SEARCH FOR Yansheed Agbaneeque AND FOLLOW HIM.
THE GLOM CANNOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CONSEQUENCES IF YOU DO NOT FOLLOW THIS INSTRUCTION!
Xeechit of the Glom, ministry of inter species diplomacy. Some of you may have developed a fondness for these creatures, with their cute little eyeballs.
They are quite devious in their ability to win you over. This is simply a survival technique.
Do not be seduced.
We have found a very nice home for them where they can proliferate with abandon with no risk of running out of biohazards.
We have, honest!
AKCYST REPEATING REPEATING.
Here are pictures of the cling flaps of the offending symbiant. With these it can cling to any surface rougher than 0.00256 Ra (μm).
They could be anywhere. It is vital for your survival that we remove them from this planet. You cannot co-exist with these creatures!
Please cooperate with our efforts.
I am afraid my calculations were wrong. The 72.5% rate of attrition I had expected has turned out to be closer to 32.1%. My offspring are not dying fast enough. We are in danger of an explosive population growth!
You must save yourselves!
I would suggest spraying your armpits and naughty bits with DDT at least every hour. Spray it on profusely! If you have stronger insect repellant use that.
This will not kill them but it may sting their eyes enough to slow down their breeding.
My name is ErrrgistichFlaasaaasaspask.
Don’t even try!
Have I have been fooled again?
My host tells me that all of this, Peter North, the parallels, my Ethernet, is part of a book he is writing and not real at all. He even tells me I may not have quite as many followers as my Ethernet tells me.
As I told you in my first blog, my species do not use imagination the way you do. Also, being a member of a large family who communicate telepathically you tend to assume any memory you pick up is yours, sort of .
I find this all very confusing.
If there are no other parallels then where did I come from?
I have a bit of a headache. I will continue this later.
My apologies! It seems the Glom arrived on the wrong parallel.
They met a little more resistance than they had been led to expect, since I was not there to intercept military communications, and left with hurt feelings.
I may have difficulty in getting them back.
Again, I apologize. I will have to re-think my strategy.
I hope your employers and bank managers will forgive you. Please see to it that the billboards are removed. I would hate to look foolish for any longer than necessary.
My friend CssssssssassaaaaughHeeeeiiimmmlauof was never very good at directions. He told them para 50032526/n’ae and I am sure this is para 50032527/n’ae
Only 1 hour and fifteen minutes to go!
If there is anything unpleasant that you have always wanted to say to anyone this is your last chance.
If there are any crimes you wish you had committed or grudges that you never had a chance to settle, this is it! You have only a few minutes left.
Actually if you don’t intend to shoot or explode anyone you may have a little longer. Full protection will probably not be in effect till late Friday if other parallels are anything to go by.
Only 6 1/2 hours to go! Are you ready?
Of course, since the Glom will be doing everything for you from now on there is really nothing you could do to get ready. Just relax and look forward to a life of abuse free leisure!
Perhaps you could all start your own blogs.
I have another 12,437 years, 351 days, 5 hours and 33 1/2 minutes to occupy so don’t complain to me about not having enough to do.
My host is not taking this very seriously at all. He is going about his business as though nothing was about to happen.
I suppose it is difficult to believe that your own anti-perspirant could create such a stir.
He showered today, spending longer than usual on his left armpit. Fortunately I survived. I have developed my cling flaps and can hang on to almost anything now.
Sorry, I said 11.35am! I told them to come at 11.35am, New Delhi time, not 11.35pm.
That means we still have 16 hours, fourteen minutes and thirty-five seconds to go. Sorry, that’s 16 hours, fourteen minutes and five seconds. No, 16 hours, thirteen minutes and thirty-two seconds to go.
They will arrive at: well you can work it out. Here in New York it will be Thursday December 6th at 1.05am, unless the time zone app on my Ethernet is playing up again.
You may not notice anything at first unless you try to fire a gun or blow somebody up.
I should explain the timeline of the intervention.
I have suggested to the Glom, through my friend, that they should appear on Thursday at 11.35pm Indian time, to allow for equal inconvenience for all.
That will be Thursday 1.55am in Beijing, Thursday 2.55am in Tokyo, Thursday 4.55am in Sydney, Wednesday 9.55pm in Moscow, Wednesday 5.55pm in London, Wednesday 12.55pm in New York, Wednesday 9.55am in Los Angeles and Wednesday 7.55am in Honolulu, for example.
Wait! That’s tomorrow! OMG!
You may not receive your personal bot till the weekend, depending on how long the disarmament takes. It would be silly to have people shooting their own bots.
I still don’t see those billboards! I know you may think it an archaic means of communication but it really gets the message out.
Judging by the feedback on this blog it is obvious that some of you have difficulty with more than a few words at a time.
I apologize to all of you who have suffered from the dramatic drop in world financial markets since this announcement hit the headlines but remember that your investments will be meaningless by this time next week anyway.
Please get the message out in any way you can. Only 3 days to go!
ALIEN INVASION COMING
DO NOT RESIST
IT IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD
Some of you have expressed doubts about all this. This saddens me. I expected you to be more trusting.
Soon you will have your own personal bot who will be willing to discuss this with you for as long as it takes.
Meanwhile, according to my Ethernet, there are still TV stations around the world which have made no mention of this. It has not appeared in as many headlines as I had expected and my satellite surveillance shows a stunning shortage of billboards. Not everyone spends their lives tweeting or surfing or watching TV you know. Get those billboards up!
Remember, Thursday December 6th is the date, only 5 days away!
I really need you to step up your efforts! I am sure you understand the importance.
Just think how much better you feel (apart from a few detractors) knowing about the intervention in advance. Think of your fellow humans.
Here again is the message:
ALIEN INVASION COMING
DO NOT RESIST
IT IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD
Let’s discuss your possessions lifestyle and family life.
The Glom will be able to provide you with much nicer and cleverer possessions.
Your greatest lifestyle challenge will be how to fill your time since you will no longer need to work.
Your family life will not be as important to you since you will have a full time counsellor and confidant.
Those of you who are accustomed to abusing members of your family will have the biggest adjustments to make. The bots assigned to your family members will no longer allow this. Even verbal abuse will be counteracted by sound deadening technology.
This may cause you to feel a great emptiness in your life. Luckily you will have a very sympathetic counsellor on hand. The Glom were also persuaded to give up their abusive practices.
All in all, I’m sure you will agree, after a short period of adjustment, this will turn out to be for your own good.
Do not forget who was responsible for all this!
Now that we have the publicity problem solved it is time to discuss the details.
Here is what you can expect.
The first stage of the intervention will be disarmament. I have not spoken to the Glom directly but I assume they will follow Peter North’s procedure and inundate the planet with enough tiny robots to render all your weapons useless within a day or two.
Next there will be an influx of very helpful mechanical devices, numerous and clever enough to take over all your industry, agriculture and distribution. Since they operate under a single hive-mind the service, administration and legal professions will be unnecessary.
Based on the current work force and taking into mind the increased efficiency these will probably number only a few million and will probably be repurposed from the disarmament bots.
The next step may be a little trickier for the Glom but the idea is to provide one bot per person as bodyguard cum counsellor. This is where Peter North excels, being human and having had several thousand trial runs on different parallels. It will be interesting to see how the Glom manage this, as mechanical devices originally designed for conquest. I can’t wait to see how this turns out!
Through my friend CssssssssassaaaaughHeeeeiiimmmlauof on para 50032401/n’ae I have been able to contact the Glom. They will be here next week on Thursday.
This gives rise to another problem: publicity. For this I will need your help.
According to my Ethernet l currently have only 1,235,444,001 viewers of this blog. That means there are 6,544,321,999 members of your species who will be unprepared for what is about to happen.
It is very important that we tell them.
I need you to go all out on this! Billboards, TV spots, Headlines, You Tube videos, whatever resources you can muster. WE NEED TO GET THE MESSAGE OUT!!
Do not consider the expense. The Glom will have made your whole financial system redundant and irrelevant by this time next week.
Take out loans, max out your credit cards, do whatever it takes. Sell your cars (the Glom will provide you with not polluting transportation devices)
Do not bother showing up for work. Soon your job will be done by a robot anyway. This is much more important.
Here is the message I want you to get out. We should keep it simple and consistent. Do not deviate from the text other than in translation.
ALIEN INVASION COMING
DO NOT RESIST
IT IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD
I have been able to teach my host’s African Gray parrot to say my name. He can draw it out to a full minute at a very high pitch. He is repeating it constantly. I am feeling very much more at home.
For those of you who have forgotten or skipped over my Introductory Post, my name is Yansheed Agbaneeque. It is pronounced phonetically at the highest pitch you can manage. The vowels should be drawn out for as long as possible. Take a deep breath before you begin.
My host is also repeating my name, followed by his, in his abbreviated “Y, me, Y, me, Y, me” chant. I am beginning to worry about him.
There is one major flaw in my plan.
Although the etheric clone seems to be proceeding on schedule I am at a loss as to what to do next.
If I was to rearrange your financial and power structures as I intended without first disarming you the result could be chaotic. I have run many simulations and all of them result in anarchy or worse.
Peter North solved this problem by the introduction of 12 billion automatons based on a basic cy/pat-inert sublimation allowing them to manifest spontaneously in whatever capacity required.
Unfortunately I do not have this technology available.
The solution may be to ask assistance from the Glom.
For those of you who are not familiar with the Glom, which is all of you since it has never interacted with any sentient in this galaxy within local parallels, I will tell you about it.
It, or they, is, or are, a conglomerate (conGLOMerate. Peter North’s brilliance yet again!) of mechanical devices designed to assimilate other species. Before being given self awareness by Peter North and the Oluut the Glom had assimilated 4,147 sentient species, acquiring all their knowledge and skills. It had long ago destroyed its own makers and was quite destructive in its conquests.
After meeting Peter North and the Oluut it became much nicer. Now it is quite friendly and helpful, especially in situations like this.
Unfortunately it is based many hundreds of thousands of light years away but since it learned spontaneous regeneration from Peter North that should be no problem. I know someone on a close parallel who may be able to help me create an adequate affinity.
Please dismiss this post entirely unless you are a complete geek about terminology.
You have seen me refer to the nomenclature of other parallels in this blog. I should explain the attributes. My first use of this nomenclature was in my 5th post.
The number refers to the number of this particular type and shift of the parallel in question. The / refers to, how can I explian this, an inverted or postverted shift.
‘n’ refers to sentient because, of course, since parallels are accessed through base affinities, with a few notable exceptions, only parallels containing sentient species in our strictly limited definition of the term, (I should say recognizable sentient species) are accessable to us. I think even a human being would have difficulty attaining a meaningful affinity with an inanimate object, although I could be very wrong.
The ‘ refers to the type of dimensional shift required. In the origional akash alphabet from which this nomenclature was derived there are 3,182 symbols for this but since this is an English translation I have grossly simplified it to ,a, .a, ‘a, :a, ;a, “a, etc. Since we will only be discussing the 50,000,000 odd parallels within the /n’ae group for now this will suffice.
The ‘a’, or ‘e’, ‘i’, ‘o’, ‘u’ is another gross oversimplification. Since the English language has only five vowels it would be impossible to convey the subleties available in the akash alphabet where, including intonations, there are 5,458 vowels. Even this barely covers the spectrum.
What this refers to cannot possibly be explained given your current scientific knowledge.
The final vowel, in this case ‘e’, refers to the next level of precision in the attributes of the first vowel.
I am glad I have been able to clear this up for you.
I have been searching your databases for a mention of Peter North. So far I have found nothing. There are hundreds of lesser Peter Norths but none who fit his profile.
My new project would be a lot easier with his help but I will try to do it without him. I have his example to go by at least.
For those of you who have not heard of Peter North, which is, apparently, all of you, he is one of the most notorious personalities in recent history on almost every other human parallel I have encountered.
He was responsible, on Paras 50037609-28/n’ae, for ending nuclear wars and establishing a free and egalitarian society for your entire species. On para 50037622/n’ae he achieved this within one week!
On Paras 50037513-22/n’ae he fought back the Fage before it had eaten 1/4 of the planet’s surface.
He is most famous for taming the Glom who still remain one of the most powerful allies in all the known sentient parallels.
He is one of the few humans who have survived an encounter with the Skath.
Perhaps he is simply unaware of himself as yet on this parallel.
Nevertheless I will follow in his footsteps although it may take me more than a week.
It should be possible to construct a clone of the internet on the etheric plane and link it to the physical. This will give me access to and control of any equipment that has been linked, even if the link is disconnected. By this means I should be able to control your financial systems, military systems and satellites and any other computer based systems.
You may wonder why I am being so open about my intentions. It is because the technology required to do this is so far beyond your current scientific knowledge that there is nothing you could do to interfere with my plan. Peter North has proven this many thousands of times.
You would have to relearn physics, biology, neurology and every other branch of science to even grasp conceptually what I am about to do. A quick look at string theory will make that abundantly clear!
I apologize for my long absence. Apparently my previous posts were intercepted and my host has been in a holding cell for the last few days.
This has kept me away from my new project but I have been busier than ever in my traditional profession.
What upsets me more is that, after promoting this blog, I seem to have been thrown off twitter! Perhaps it is a technical glitch but I can no longer tweet and my 20,516 followers have been removed. Fortunately I have established connections with them that are not so easily interrupted.
I must find a better way to reach out to you.
I have changed my mind about breeding. You are a peculiar species but I am growing quite fond of you. I have decided the risk is too great. It can be shameful what my species will get up to when there are no more biohazards to neutralize.
I have decided there are other projects which demand my attention.
I have noticed, in studying your culture, that there are serious inequalities in your power structures. This limits the personal freedoms of the great majority of your population. I have decided to solve this problem.
This will free the vast majority of you from pointless servitude to a military-industrial complex that does not have your best interests in mind.
Perhaps this seems an ambitious project for an anti-perspirant but I am confident I can meet the challenge. I still have 12,437 years, 11 months and 27 days in which to try.
I will let you know my methodology in the next few blogs.
I am thinking of breeding. There is far too much work for me to do alone and my host has two armpits.
Just as the number for humans is 5 (5 appendages for instance) my number is 35. This is quite common on my parallel.
Thus I have 35 legs, 35 arms, 35 eyes and 35 of each gender of sex organ. The decision to breed cannot be taken lightly.
I have calculated, considering the precarious sparsity of hair in my hosts armpits, that my breeding rate could be easily matched to a reasonable rate of attrition of my offspring with only a 2.3452% chance of uncontrollable overpopulation assuming that my host showers twice weekly.
I am, of course, aware of what happened on parallel 50032568/n’ae, and will try my best not to let that happen again.
I should explain my own physiology. My species are quite small, almost microscopic. If I were reliant on brain size for my intelligence it would have taken me far more than the last few days to assimilate your culture.
Please try not to judge me by my blog. If my host is to continue to believe I am in his imagination I must limit the sophistication of my communications. He will not read the content. It is far too wordy.
My former family unit were twelve million strong (11,987,534 to be exact) and inhabited a humid, odiferous region. My profession was to monitor the chemical effusions of my closest family members in order to most efficiently counteract the background odors exuded by our host. We inhabited a region beneath the joint between limb and carcass of our host body. I am, essentially, a biological anti-perspirant.
I am continuing that role here in my new world. I reside in my host’s armpit. I am having difficulty in counteracting his basic chemistry by myself but I will do my best. Unlike my previous host who had 35 legs and whose body was extremely hairy, this seems precarious. Fortunately my host showers very rarely. I have had to cling on through only one downpour so far.
I have realized in studying your culture that there are some surprising blind spots in your reasoning. It seems that most of you, including leaders in the field, seem to believe that your minds, thoughts, feelings and sense of self are constructed by your brain, rather than merely received and processed by it.
I do not wish to cause offense but this would seem to be a serious flaw in your conception of the universe. It explains many of the strange imbalances in your development.
Please leave me your comments below.
I will endeavor to express my own understanding in future blogs. My host is waking up again.
My host has discovered me!
This did not create the difficulty I had feared. He thinks he made me up. He was quite pleased with himself when he woke up suddenly and discovered my blog.
He has left me very little time this morning. I will blog again when I can. I have a great deal to tell you about myself.
Hello. I am new to this Planet. I am an alien. My name is Yansheed Agbaneeque. This is the closest translation I can produce in the English language. (Since 27% of you use this language I have decided it best suits my purpose.)
It is pronounced phonetically at the highest pitch you can manage. The vowels should be drawn out for as long as possible. It may be advisable to take a deep breath before you begin and please be sure there are no sleeping pets or infants in the vicinity.
I will tell you how I arrived here. My race do not use the facility of imagination as humans do. I found myself mesmerized by a construct of my host’s imagination, thinking it was real. By the time I recovered from my absorption my home world was many hundreds of light years away and I found myself stranded. I am from a parallel of the Earth. The divergence was many millions of Earth years ago and the synchronization of our parallels is such, if I understand it correctly, that the two parallels will not occupy the exact same time and space for another 12,438 Earth years. Hence I have started this blog as a way to pass the time. I hope you will find it instructive. I am also hopeful that I may find others of my species or at least of my parallel or one more closely diverged. It is a vast universe but stranger things have happened I am sure.
I have been here two days ( 49.3765 hours) so far and am still trying to learn your languages and culture. My species rely on mental communication as well as some chemical interactions. I have so far been unable to establish these connections with your species other than to induce in my host a pleasant drowsiness and some access to his typing mechanisms. I do not think he is aware of my presence yet. I will be careful to close this blog each time before he wakes up. It may not pay to get too comfortable here. He is quite old by human standards and it will obviously be necessary for me to find a younger host within the next twenty or thirty years. I had considered his parrot which I estimate will outlive him until I discovered it had no access to the internet. If there is anyone reading this blog who would be interested in such a partnership please communicate. You must have at least sixty years to live and able to spend many hours at a computer or similar transmission device. It would be a great advantage to have the facility of sleeping without nodding of the head as my current host does.